It's been 4 years..

Today marks the 4th year of my mom's passing, and many a times, as i prepare or run errands for my wedding, i find myself thinking "if only my mom was here".

I mean, frankly speaking, in a family full of males, my father and brothers are absolutely clueless about wedding traditions and preparations. Only mothers truly know best. I do miss her terribly because i know she would have been 101% involved and probably much more excited than me because it's her only daughter getting married.

But yet, as i look back at the past 4 years, i realized if my mom hadn't left, i wouldn't have grown up this fast.

Not that i'm the most mature now, please, to anyone who knows me will describe me as a brat, but believe me, before my mom left i was annoying and almost an intolerable brat. i grew up sheltered and being the only daughter in the family, both my mom and dad were protective and doted on me. they do have their strict moments with me during my phases of delinquency (but thank god i never pick up smoking or mixed with the wrong crowd), but mostly, they were almost always liberal with me and gave me what i wanted.

But since my mom's demise and being the sole female left in my family of 2 brothers and my dad, i had to learn to cope myself and help provide emotional support to my male dominated family, especially since my younger brother was only in sec 3 and dads being dads, he was quiet but yet i knew he was greatly affected by my mom's passing. And i had to learn to grow up and look after my family, to the point that i sometimes worry too much for my dad. It was definitely not rosy in the beginning because no one knew if each other was coping well, because let's face it, being an asian family, we are not one to sit each other down and talk about our feelings. And many a times, i was frustrated when i feel helpless.

However, as the saying goes, time does heal and we all learn to move on. In fact, we take the effort to go home for dinners and go out for family meals. And i definitely am thankful for bill's support. But looking back, i kept thinking how things would have been different in these 4 years if she was still around.

However, God does work in funny ways. Through these 4 years, i learn to look after my family, i get a glimpse of what it was like to be a mother looking after a family, i know who my true and closest friends are, i see ugly side of relatives from my mom's passing and find out who are the ones who genuinely cares, and most importantly, i grew to love my family from the bottom of my heart, and i thank God everyday for keeping them safe and healthy, especially my dad.

So yes, i still question Him from time to time, but i've learn to be more accepting and understand why things happen for a reason. After all, death is part and parcel of life.

And i'm pretty sure my mom is still with us and will be with me for my wedding :)

:)